How do I Stay Present When Playing with my Child?

Feelings of guilt are common when parents feel they can’t sit and play with their child for long periods.

Their boundless energy might feel exhausting

Understanding why this happens

If you're a parent, you may have asked yourself: how do I stay present when playing with my child? Firstly, it is important to recognise that your child/children lives in a different world to you. Physically, you inhabit the same space, but in terms of perception, you are worlds apart.

Adult World Vs Inner World

Your child lives in their own Inner World, a term coined by Donald Winnicott. You however, live in your own adult world.

Adult World	Inner World
Lives mostly in the past and future, and struggles to stay in the present	Lives almost completely in the present
Lots of invasive thoughts which pull focus from play	No invasive thoughts, action and thought are virtually indistinguishable
Lacks practice in spontaneous play	Expert in spontaneous play
Low tolerance for repetition	High tolerance for repetition

This difference means that you are automatically clashing with your child. The way to overcome this is by entering and staying in your child’s inner world and practicing being there for longer and longer periods of time.

To play effectively, you really have no choice but to enter your child’s inner world, because your child can never enter your adult world

Enter your child’s inner world

To play effectively, you really have no choice but to enter your child’s inner world, because your child can never enter your adult world. Despite how obvious this is, many adults get annoyed or upset with their children because they subconsciously feel their child should have more empathy. In reality, your child has not got the understanding to empathise with you, so all they feel is rejection. Parents who are conscious of this, may feel guilty.

Clearing away distractions

To enter their Inner World, you have no option but to limit down the distractions that exist in your adult world. Try these following tips:

1)      Prioritise play. This may mean using a diary to literally schedule in play sessions.

2)      Leave your phone in another room. This tip really is a game changer. Your phone is constantly begging for use, don’t give it more love than your child.

3)      Leave your child’s devices out of the room. They get distracted too, but your play time together is more important.

4)      Focus on the present moment. This takes time and practice, but it's worth it.

5)      Don’t bring any preconceived ideas into the play space. Instead, let your child lead.

Learn to Enjoy Play

Sometimes the most obvious answers are the right ones. It stands to reason that if you learn to love playing, you will stick at it for longer, and your feelings of guilt will give way to feelings of pleasure.

Think of play as a state of ‘flow’ where both you and your child are enjoying the present moment. They are giving you play cues, you are responding, and you are engaged in an activity or game which you both feel absorbed in. It’s entirely possible to spend long periods of time enjoying each other’s company.

Sometimes this involves give and take. Going outside may be something you occasionally insist on, whereas your child wants to stay inside, or vice-versa. Perhaps you’d prefer a card game, where they prefer drawing. Either way, with enough presence, you’ll find an equilibrium.

It is an misperception that parents need to think up play ideas,

Don't worry about setting up play areas or thinking up play ideas

It is an misperception that parents need to think up play ideas, you don't. Good play comes from being present and connected with your child. When you enter their inner world and observe your child clearly, you will notice the play-cues they give off. You then need to respond to those cues with something simple.

Your aim is to enter the state of flow. Once you enter this state, you will build a play experience together authentically.

Social media often portrays play inaccurately, showing us that we need to stay on this treadmill of play ideas to keep our child entertained. This is the exact opposite of good play.

Mindfulness

This is likely something you’ve tried in the past, and if not, consider giving it a go. It teaches you to focus only on the present moment and ignore the past and future. Invasive thoughts are generally accepted, recognised and left to move on.

Practicing this can help give you presence of mind, something your child automatically has. Being distracted is a normal part of our adult world, but for children, distraction may not be as common.

For more information, check out the Play for Parents online course.